Stories

I asked 42 people the following question: “If you had to describe “The Perfect Wife,” using only 5 words, what words would you use?”

I posed this question because I was curious to see if this “new generation” had a different idea of a good wife is than the “older generation.” I also wanted to see if there would be a clear line in the sand between men and women. Now, I recognize that 42 people is not a large sample but I think I got some coverage. Here’s a quick breakdown of the respondents before we get into the results.

• No. Men: 19
• No. Women: 23
• Age Range of Respondents: 21-40
• Experience Range: I tried to the best of my ability to ask (1) people who were born and raised in Senegal, then moved to another “Western” country, (2) born and raised in Senegal and still living in Senegal, (3) non-Senegalese men and women, (4) men and women who may be considered “traditional, (5) as well as men and women who may be considered “modern” across all groups. I asked single people as well as married folks. All in all, I tried to get answers from a diverse group of people and while it isn’t a perfect study, the results were interesting.

Most Common Terms (across men and women)

• Patient … 12x
• Supportive … 10x
• Caring … 9x
• Respectful/Respectable … 7x
• Loving … 7x

Observations:

I wasn’t expecting to get things like “a good cook,” “a good mother,” or “submissive” with a 5 word limit — but I was prepared to. And I actually did get submissive twice but anyways. The graphic used for this post features some stereotypical things that the Senegalese society can expect from a wife (and eventual mother). Multi-tasking, keeping a home, taking care of the children, cooking, keeping her physique, all while the husband sits down with a good newspaper and waits to be served (no offense to the men reading this). It is a hyperbolized view but one that isn’t far-fetched in some homes, especially for that “older generation” I mentioned earlier. But I was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t get too many “typical answers” and instead, received some heartwarming responses that culminated into one conclusion: men and women alike (at least those who responded to my question) see “the perfect wife” as first and foremost, a human being, and as a partner in a relationship.

The single most common characteristic given on both sides was patient. I found this interesting because it spoke to the human-ness of people. It almost says “I know I am not perfect so I would like somebody by my side who understands that and is willing to work with me.” I gathered from further conversation with a few respondents that “the perfect wife” is a woman who will be a long-term companion and stay by their side. It was similar to the reasoning given for supportive, as they felt like they want a true partner-in-crime. That isn’t to say that wife won’t cook, clean, or keep a home. But that was not the image they have in mind when picturing a perfect wife and when given only 5 words, I was happy to see that they were used wisely. The gamut ran wide on the words respondents did choose to use. Religious/spiritual/pious came up more than once, as well as being trustworthy, compassionate, loyal, attentive, empathetic, generous, and responsible.

There were a few notable words that stood out to me:

• Self-Sufficient: One interesting term that came up twice in the women’s results was “self-sufficient.” It came up once in the men’s results in the form of “independent” but this was something something that many women gave as a number 6 or 7. Particularly with the younger women, it was important that a wife be able to stand her own.
• Self-Aware: I thought this was very good choice as it speaks to how a perfect wife (and any spouse in general) needs to be perceptive and well-informed of many things, but in this context, of their relationship. Women are seen as the backbone/foundation of family structures so I found this to be a great fit when describing “the perfect wife.”
• Respectable: On both sides, men and women wanted someone respectful and respectable. I wasn’t surprised but this one stood out to me because it spoke to how society plays a role in who we choose or have chosen to be our partner. The opinions of others matters in determining who our life partner will be. It was one of the few words given that, in my mind, had more to do with others than ourselves. I could be wrong; I’d love to hear other’s opinions on this.
• Problem-Solver: Similar to the backbone/foundation rationale given in the “self-aware” bucket, being a problem solver is great in any spouse! Society has conditioned us to believe that men/husbands are the problem solvers – again, I could be wrong but men are just seen in such a regard as holding the house down. But “the perfect wife” in many ways is THAT problem solver.
• A Guide: One man said this is the only characteristic he would use as it embodies everything that you would need in a partner. There is a lot buried in that term and that too was a common theme across other characteristics. I had a great conversation with someone about how, in a bucket of 5 words, there can still be a major characteristic flaw. For example, I shared with them my 5 words (revealed below) and they said “You can be all of those things and still be rude.” So perhaps throwing all the characteristics into one term was a simpler way of saying “I can’t choose only 5 words.”

One think I noticed on both sides was that it almost felt like I had given the respondents a word bank to pick from. A lot of the same words kept coming back up and it made me wonder if we’ve been conditioned to think “this is what a good person looks like” and thus, that’s what makes a good wife. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but I can’t help but think the list on both sides would look very similar if I asked for descriptors of “The Perfect Husband,” which has been requested by a few so possibly to come in a future post! Or maybe I’ll ask the 50+ generation and see how different those responses are!

Side note: With 5 words, it was hard to narrow it down! But I have full respect for the men and women who managed to sneak their physical and ahem financial requirements in there: gorgeous, can’t be taller than me, and beautiful, sexy, and my personal favorite, rich! They capitalized on the 5 word limit and I am here for it.

Let me close this piece out with something nearly all my respondents said to me: “the perfect wife doesn’t exist, Aida.” I was happy whenever someone said this — or they said 5 words wasn’t enough. The 5 word limit was practical but intentional. It forced the most important characteristics to the top and got to a very basic premise in partnership – that it’s all actually very simple. The things that are important are common in building any relationship. As I mentioned earlier, I could have asked any of the following questions and gotten a list similar to this one:

• Describe your mom/grandma in 5 words (scratch the likes of seductive from the list 😂)
• Describe your best friend (some respondents pointed out that “the perfect wife” is someone who is your best friend)
• Describe the perfect president (again, scratch the likes of seductive from the list… you get the point)

What I learned was that we have all these checklist items of things we are looking for in partnership and as human beings, we practically all want the same thing. If I had asked for a list of red flags or dealbreakers, maybe that would have explicitly yielded more varying results. But in this mini social experiment, I learned that I could theoretically hook up all the people on the single side and have a 95% success rate!

Thank you to my 42 participants for humoring me and for this very insightful experiment. I’d like to invite readers to draw their own conclusions and share them in the comments! What observations do you have based on the data (see below).

Finally, a lot of my respondents rightfully asked me for my 5 characteristics. They are included in the data set and are as follows: Loving, Confident, Ambitious, Family-Oriented, and Loyal.

Full Experiment Results (grouped by respondent):

See below for a visual of the experiment results

The Perfect Wife in 5 Words.xlsx

Reading Time: 5 min

For those from Senegal or very familiar with the way women show up in Senegalese, there are certain words that come to mind when you think of “The Typical Senegalese Woman.” Submissive. Quiet. Obedient. Well-put together. Dignified. Sassy but soft at the same time. She always have my hair done, never talks too loudly, and never strays from the prototype.

There’s nothing wrong with that description above. It’s just there’s a new type of Senegalese woman emerging and that’s the loud, outspoken, tatted, back talking, go-getter, and unapologetic one. With the influence of social media and new sisterhood bonds, the Senegalese woman can show up in many different ways in today’s world.

It’s taken me quite some time to write this piece as I was having severe writer’s block. I tossed around the idea that there were always different types of Senegalese women and what we may know as the “rebel” is not a novelty. Then it dawned on me that I can only speak about my experience growing up and I thought about the very first series I did when I stated this blog: the “Jigéén Dafa Wara…” series. The was a series of short stories all about challenging the “typical Senegalese” attributes of a woman. I recommend you take a look at those short stories for a view of what may be influencing some of the stereotypes we may have.

For this piece, I want to talk about those times when we may see a Senegalese woman and that initial gut reaction when they don’t look like the “typical Senegalese woman.” Like the woman in the picture below, I think we all have initial thoughts such as:

“Maybe she’s not full Senegalese.”

“Maybe she was born in the U.S.”

“Oh she’s wild!”

I think over time, that initial gut reaction has diminished and we start to think and say things like:

“Wow, she’s so confident.”

“I love her authenticity.”

“I know that’s right!”

So maybe those were corny…apologies for that. But you get the point! What I am getting at is we’re starting to embrace the many versions of the Senegalese women that appear on the spectrum. There’s no longer a prototype and mold that must be fit. We’re able to exist as human beings, as individuals, without being tied to distinct attributes alone.

Another trend I’ve noticed is more business minding and less judging. I don’t think that will ever go away completely. In a recent Joko Podcast episode (Season 2, Episode 7), co-hosts Arame and Aida (that’s yours truly :)) talk about “Social Media Posting While Senegalese.” The episode explored the “”double life” many Senegalese-Americans live due to external pressures to present oneself in a particular way on social media. This “particular way” is the typical Senegalese image of being pious and responsible. While those are amazing attributes, it sometimes does not leave any room for self-expression, social experimentation, or making mistakes. There’s always a jury that’s on the other side of the screen waiting to brand you. But as I hopefully stated, I have noticed more of minding one’s business and just being ourselves, no matter how tightly or loosely that ties with the standard cutout.

What I challenge you to do is to erase that image of the perfect Senegalese woman from your head, if you have one. Instead, allow space for the nuanced experiences and personalities we have! I’ll be honest that not all my thoughts made it to this post as I am still sorting through some of them but I see beauty in that. There’s a lot of runway for this discussion to evolve – I invite you to share your ideas in the comments section! What’s been your experience regarding this topic?

Whenever I tell people I host a blog about Senegalese women empowerment, or that I call myself a feminist, one of the first follow-up questions I get is “So what’s your take on polygamy?” I always smirk and give a quick answer about how “It’s a choice.” I don’t always delve deep into the topic because there’s this stigma on feminists in Senegalese society that they’re man-hating, angry, rude, and ugly beings. It’s just not a good look. And that’s not why I avoid the conversation; I just know it’s going to be a long one and I’m usually not mentally prepared to have it.

But today, I decided to get this one-time rant out on my feelings about polygamy. I’ll start with the definition. Polygamy is “the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time.” In Senegalese society, more specifically in Islam, a woman is not allowed to have multiple husbands so it’s not even a topic of conversation. Polygyny is the term used for when a man is married to more than one woman at a time. So today, we will talk about polygyny.

Here’s what I think: it really is a choice.

A woman may decide she is okay being in a polygynist marriage. A woman may decide she does not want to be in a polygynist marriage. She may change her mind as well, although, this stirs up new issues in and of itself and will require a re-visit on the initial agreement she had with her partner.

A man may decide that he does not want to be married to multiple women at the same time. He may also decide that that is his cup of tea and would like to be married to multiple women at the same time. He, too, may change his mind, which also stirs up new issues, but the conversation should still be had to get back in alignment.

That is to say, I believe being involved with multiple people, whether it’s polygamy, polygyny, polyamory, polyandry – whatever poly it is – is a matter of having all the right information and making a decision based on that information.

What I believe is that people have emotions, rights, and desires. When those boundaries are stepped on, it takes away from the agency people have. It’s unfair to make a choice for someone. It’s not right to say, “you must live a polygynist marriage because xyz.” This often happens in Senegalese culture because women are told things like:

• He has a right to have up to four wives.
• Your peers are managing polygyny so who are you not to?
• After everything he’s done for you… as if you are indebted to your husband for fulfilling his duties to you.
• It’ll only hurt in the beginning. You’ll get used to it.
• Your mom/sister [or insert a close female relative here] was a second wife. Why not you?
• Deal with it.

Statements like these make it really hard to see any positive aspect of polygyny. I won’t be talking about those positive aspects because quite frankly, I struggle to see any in today’s world. I’ll stick to breaking down the statements I mentioned above. They’re dismissive, insulting, inconsiderate, and triggering. When we say things like this, it ignores any emotion, past trauma, mental health, or rights of the woman. It’s neglectful and truly disempowers the woman, who very well should have the right to say, “that is not what I want.” That right cannot be taken away from her.

I don’t have a problem with polygyny itself. I have a problem with how it’s too often executed in Senegalese society. I asked a friend that I admire – her way of thinking is always so mature and balanced, hey Arame 🙂 – and here is her mantra: Choice. Truth. Respect. I thought this was so eloquent and in perfect alignment with how I feel about it. Let’s get into each item.

Choice.

I’ve already talked about this and what I will add is that this choice is profound. That is one of the most rewarding attributes of being a human being and it’s what gives us a reason to live. Being able to feel like we have a say in the life we live. If you are simply a consumer of the circumstances around you, you are not living life and unfortunately, many women are left to be consumers of the polygynist lifestyles their husbands live. They have no say (or at least they’re made to feel that way and they fulfill that prophecy).

Truth.

This is a big one. Being honest in initial conversations about what each party wants, can handle, and aligning on that, is crucial to preventing future disappointment. It’s when one or both parties keep information from one another that deceit seeps in, betrayal becomes a companion in your union, and you lose quite possibly the most important foundation of any sustainable relationship. It’s 100% important to be honest about:

• What you want at the present moment
• What you envision for a future, mature version of your relationship
• Non-negotiable circumstances
• Triggering events/circumstances
• Communication methods for hard conversations

It’s not easy being honest about hard topics but it’s a requirement. You cannot wait until the moment you decide you want a second wife to tell your wife you want a second one. You cannot get another wife first and then tell your first (or second, or third, or fourth). You cannot wait until the moment your husband informs you that he wants a second wife that you disagree. Have proactive conversations and early! That’s part of putting in the work required to make a relationship…well, work.

Respect.

I mean, does this need elaboration? All I will say here is that if you love a person, you will respect their feelings, their reactions to your actions and decisions, and their wellbeing – and beyond respecting these things, you will take it into consideration when making decisions. You will not want to see them hurt or in pain. I understand I am speaking from a place where I am assuming people marry for love. I also understand that not everyone marries for love but love is not a prerequisite for respect.

It’s not rocket science that polygyny is not for everyone. When people ask me my opinion on the topic, I recognize that it’s not a “why do you disagree with it” discussion. It’s more of just understanding my take and it took me some time to formulate but I finally got there. It’s just a matter of having a say in the matter (choice), being up front about feelings, capacity, and boundaries (truth), and being decent human beings to one another (respect).

To wrap up, I want to briefly touch on other aspects that I don’t hear being brought up in these discussions. Things like (•) STD testing in polygynist situations, (•) how the children will be raised when the father may be absent for certain aspects of his kids’ lives – or even prolonged periods of time when the father is not in the same location as his family (we see this a lot in immigrant husbands who have multiple households). (•) treating all wives “fairly” whatever that means, and (•) writing clear wills or fostering healthy environments so when the husband passes, his families are not left quarreling over his inheritance. That one is assuming there will even be an inheritance. Too often we see men who cannot financially handle multiple wives and families and end up creating disastrous consequences. Everything I stated above points back to one thing in my head: polygyny is about more than just being married to multiple woman and trying to satisfy carnal desires. It’s a complex, multi-layered system that warrants a lot of consideration from all parties involved before committing to it.

Personally, I do not want to be in a polygynist marriage. I would not like to be involved in a love, financial, and/or spiritual triangle, no thank you! I would be elated to hear from my readers, whether you agree or disagree. As always, let me know your thoughts and experiences with this topic. Feel free to reach out on Instagram on @elleparleenfin or my personal page @aida.guisse__

Lately, I’ve been searching for the answer to the question “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Nobody has asked me… the prompt is coming from me. The questions I get from others are more along the lines of “what do you do?” or “Do you like your job?”

For what feels like forever, I feel like I haven’t been fulfilled. I am grateful for my job and I am grateful for the multiple opportunities that have presented themselves to me over time. I truly am. But one thing that keeps coming back in my head is this desire to do more. I have a passion for helping others and that cannot be overlooked when I think about what I want to do or how I spend my time. It warms my heart to do something good for others, for no other reason than to make their lives or day easier, better, happier.

I don’t know what I want to be when I am older in terms of title but I know I want to be someone who positively influences others. Someone who makes the lives of others better by presenting them with opportunities and teaching them skills to be better versions of themselves. Above all, I want to be part of the solutions that eradicate hate and abuse, especially towards women and children.

One thing I struggle with is admitting to myself that I do want to be known! In trying not to be cocky, pompous, or “fouy” as we say in Wolof, I have subdued myself into thinking that it’s a bad thing to want to be known. I don’t want to be known or famous for the sake of popularity. I want to leave a legacy behind so that I can empower people the same way other men and women have empowered me. I want people to know me as someone who was selfless and abundant in all that she gave. My time, money, energy, efforts, and everything in between dedicated to serving the world and its citizens. It probably sounds cheesy but I want to help change the world. And that’s not a small dream or goal, so I have to stop making it small and in turn, making myself small.

I urge all my listeners and readers to ask themselves the question: what do you want to be when you get older? It’s never too late to decide to go on the journey to find that answer. In fact, it’s closely linked to finding out our true calling, our contribution to this world.