Whenever I tell people I host a blog about Senegalese women empowerment, or that I call myself a feminist, one of the first follow-up questions I get is “So what’s your take on polygamy?” I always smirk and give a quick answer about how “It’s a choice.” I don’t always delve deep into the topic because there’s this stigma on feminists in Senegalese society that they’re man-hating, angry, rude, and ugly beings. It’s just not a good look. And that’s not why I avoid the conversation; I just know it’s going to be a long one and I’m usually not mentally prepared to have it.

But today, I decided to get this one-time rant out on my feelings about polygamy. I’ll start with the definition. Polygamy is “the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time.” In Senegalese society, more specifically in Islam, a woman is not allowed to have multiple husbands so it’s not even a topic of conversation. Polygyny is the term used for when a man is married to more than one woman at a time. So today, we will talk about polygyny.

Here’s what I think: it really is a choice.

A woman may decide she is okay being in a polygynist marriage. A woman may decide she does not want to be in a polygynist marriage. She may change her mind as well, although, this stirs up new issues in and of itself and will require a re-visit on the initial agreement she had with her partner.

A man may decide that he does not want to be married to multiple women at the same time. He may also decide that that is his cup of tea and would like to be married to multiple women at the same time. He, too, may change his mind, which also stirs up new issues, but the conversation should still be had to get back in alignment.

That is to say, I believe being involved with multiple people, whether it’s polygamy, polygyny, polyamory, polyandry – whatever poly it is – is a matter of having all the right information and making a decision based on that information.

What I believe is that people have emotions, rights, and desires. When those boundaries are stepped on, it takes away from the agency people have. It’s unfair to make a choice for someone. It’s not right to say, “you must live a polygynist marriage because xyz.” This often happens in Senegalese culture because women are told things like:

• He has a right to have up to four wives.
• Your peers are managing polygyny so who are you not to?
• After everything he’s done for you… as if you are indebted to your husband for fulfilling his duties to you.
• It’ll only hurt in the beginning. You’ll get used to it.
• Your mom/sister [or insert a close female relative here] was a second wife. Why not you?
• Deal with it.

Statements like these make it really hard to see any positive aspect of polygyny. I won’t be talking about those positive aspects because quite frankly, I struggle to see any in today’s world. I’ll stick to breaking down the statements I mentioned above. They’re dismissive, insulting, inconsiderate, and triggering. When we say things like this, it ignores any emotion, past trauma, mental health, or rights of the woman. It’s neglectful and truly disempowers the woman, who very well should have the right to say, “that is not what I want.” That right cannot be taken away from her.

I don’t have a problem with polygyny itself. I have a problem with how it’s too often executed in Senegalese society. I asked a friend that I admire – her way of thinking is always so mature and balanced, hey Arame 🙂 – and here is her mantra: Choice. Truth. Respect. I thought this was so eloquent and in perfect alignment with how I feel about it. Let’s get into each item.

Choice.

I’ve already talked about this and what I will add is that this choice is profound. That is one of the most rewarding attributes of being a human being and it’s what gives us a reason to live. Being able to feel like we have a say in the life we live. If you are simply a consumer of the circumstances around you, you are not living life and unfortunately, many women are left to be consumers of the polygynist lifestyles their husbands live. They have no say (or at least they’re made to feel that way and they fulfill that prophecy).

Truth.

This is a big one. Being honest in initial conversations about what each party wants, can handle, and aligning on that, is crucial to preventing future disappointment. It’s when one or both parties keep information from one another that deceit seeps in, betrayal becomes a companion in your union, and you lose quite possibly the most important foundation of any sustainable relationship. It’s 100% important to be honest about:

• What you want at the present moment
• What you envision for a future, mature version of your relationship
• Non-negotiable circumstances
• Triggering events/circumstances
• Communication methods for hard conversations

It’s not easy being honest about hard topics but it’s a requirement. You cannot wait until the moment you decide you want a second wife to tell your wife you want a second one. You cannot get another wife first and then tell your first (or second, or third, or fourth). You cannot wait until the moment your husband informs you that he wants a second wife that you disagree. Have proactive conversations and early! That’s part of putting in the work required to make a relationship…well, work.

Respect.

I mean, does this need elaboration? All I will say here is that if you love a person, you will respect their feelings, their reactions to your actions and decisions, and their wellbeing – and beyond respecting these things, you will take it into consideration when making decisions. You will not want to see them hurt or in pain. I understand I am speaking from a place where I am assuming people marry for love. I also understand that not everyone marries for love but love is not a prerequisite for respect.

It’s not rocket science that polygyny is not for everyone. When people ask me my opinion on the topic, I recognize that it’s not a “why do you disagree with it” discussion. It’s more of just understanding my take and it took me some time to formulate but I finally got there. It’s just a matter of having a say in the matter (choice), being up front about feelings, capacity, and boundaries (truth), and being decent human beings to one another (respect).

To wrap up, I want to briefly touch on other aspects that I don’t hear being brought up in these discussions. Things like (•) STD testing in polygynist situations, (•) how the children will be raised when the father may be absent for certain aspects of his kids’ lives – or even prolonged periods of time when the father is not in the same location as his family (we see this a lot in immigrant husbands who have multiple households). (•) treating all wives “fairly” whatever that means, and (•) writing clear wills or fostering healthy environments so when the husband passes, his families are not left quarreling over his inheritance. That one is assuming there will even be an inheritance. Too often we see men who cannot financially handle multiple wives and families and end up creating disastrous consequences. Everything I stated above points back to one thing in my head: polygyny is about more than just being married to multiple woman and trying to satisfy carnal desires. It’s a complex, multi-layered system that warrants a lot of consideration from all parties involved before committing to it.

Personally, I do not want to be in a polygynist marriage. I would not like to be involved in a love, financial, and/or spiritual triangle, no thank you! I would be elated to hear from my readers, whether you agree or disagree. As always, let me know your thoughts and experiences with this topic. Feel free to reach out on Instagram on @elleparleenfin or my personal page @aida.guisse__

Lately, I’ve been searching for the answer to the question “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Nobody has asked me… the prompt is coming from me. The questions I get from others are more along the lines of “what do you do?” or “Do you like your job?”

For what feels like forever, I feel like I haven’t been fulfilled. I am grateful for my job and I am grateful for the multiple opportunities that have presented themselves to me over time. I truly am. But one thing that keeps coming back in my head is this desire to do more. I have a passion for helping others and that cannot be overlooked when I think about what I want to do or how I spend my time. It warms my heart to do something good for others, for no other reason than to make their lives or day easier, better, happier.

I don’t know what I want to be when I am older in terms of title but I know I want to be someone who positively influences others. Someone who makes the lives of others better by presenting them with opportunities and teaching them skills to be better versions of themselves. Above all, I want to be part of the solutions that eradicate hate and abuse, especially towards women and children.

One thing I struggle with is admitting to myself that I do want to be known! In trying not to be cocky, pompous, or “fouy” as we say in Wolof, I have subdued myself into thinking that it’s a bad thing to want to be known. I don’t want to be known or famous for the sake of popularity. I want to leave a legacy behind so that I can empower people the same way other men and women have empowered me. I want people to know me as someone who was selfless and abundant in all that she gave. My time, money, energy, efforts, and everything in between dedicated to serving the world and its citizens. It probably sounds cheesy but I want to help change the world. And that’s not a small dream or goal, so I have to stop making it small and in turn, making myself small.

I urge all my listeners and readers to ask themselves the question: what do you want to be when you get older? It’s never too late to decide to go on the journey to find that answer. In fact, it’s closely linked to finding out our true calling, our contribution to this world.

Early December 2020, I went to Sénégal with the intention of working remotely for part of my one month trip. I had my laptop, chargers, portable wifi modem, and workspace carved out. I was ready. Then I got in the country and automatically lost all motivation and drive to work. This blog post will be simple and to the point: my top 5 realizations about working remotely in Sénégal. Let’s get to it.

1. There will be a lot of background noise. I was in my house by myself for the week that I worked remotely so I figured there wouldn’t be any noise to distract me or my conference calls. I was wrong. Cows, chickens, goats, sheep, little children joyfully playing outside, neighbors greeting each other… you name it! There’s no shortage of noise that your coworkers will hear in the background and inevitably ask you about. And if none of that is true for you, there will certainly be the neighborhood call to prayer!

2. Don’t plan anything else on the day(s) you need to work. The team I work with sits in Seattle, WA. The time difference was 8 hours so I did the math and figured I needed to logon around 4PM local time in Senegal. I thought — heavy emphasis on the THOUGHT — that I could get one or two things done in the morning/early afternoon before logging on. To my unpleasant surprise, I learned that the notion of time is very different in Senegal. I can’t plan for anything at 9AM because that ‘thing’ probably won’t start until 10:45AM (that’s being generous). That means I will finish late and anything else I planned will subsequently be shifted by a few hours. Thus, I can’t start work at the scheduled 4PM time. I quickly learned to just sit my a$$ down until 4PM with nothing planned in the morning…unless I had a strong desire to have anxiety attacks while sitting in heavy Dakar traffic. I’ll stop there.

3. Your focus will be off. I mentioned in the intro that I had my equipment and workplace set up. Let me tell that is not enough! BEING in Senegal calls for something other than being laser-focused on conference calls and to-do lists. If you live there full-time and know this is your daily life, it’s fine. But if you come to a short period of time and try to squeeze working into your schedule, it just doesn’t flow the same. You go from talking about the upcoming baptism or baby shower… or concert … or drinking a nice glass of ataya to talking about project deadlines and roadblocks. It just doesn’t work. I was not as productive or efficient as when I was home and it had a lot to do with the fact that the environment around is not on the same wavelength as you are. It’s not good or bad; it just is.

4. You’ll have to help your Senegalese family understand why you’re working on vacation. One thing about Senegalese people is when they are on vacation, THEY ARE ON VACATION. Being in that space and dealing with responsibilities back home isn’t the most harmonious situation! So be prepared to explain why you’re a semi-workaholic and how what you’re doing is the watered down version of your life, everyday back home.

5. You realize what’s really important in life. We run, run, run every day that we’re working these intense jobs. We have hectic schedules and relish in that busy feeling; it makes us feel important or useful sometimes. But for me, I stripped that feeling when I was back home. You could say I stopped to smell the roses. I learned that there is so much more to life than what we often chase after and to be quite frank, none of us are performing brain surgery by ourselves. Truly stepping away is necessary for our happiness, our mental health, and our physical wellbeing. Burnout is real.

All in all, my biggest takeaway when it comes to working remotely in Sénégal, is to avoid it if you can. It’s one thing to visualize how you could make it happen; it’s another to actually make it happen. Between the less than ideal internet connection, the sounds of animals in the background of every meeting you have, and the vast difference in speed of life, it just is a recipe for disaster! But more importantly, I learned to appreciate the tiny moments that make you miss home THAT much more when it’s all said and done. Although it was a challenge to work remotely, it just made me realize that I should leave my baggage at the door when I go to visit my homeland, pays de la Teranga. There’s no room for checklists 😉

Pro tip: get a portable modem while you’re there for continuous connection! It’s a small, Orange box that you can recharge and connect your devices to!

I watched the movie Cuties this past week and I have a couple of thoughts on it, just like the rest of the world it seems like. I’ll start with a brief background on the movie and Director and then get into what I thought of the movie.

Cuties was released in France in August 2020 and in the United Stated in September 2020. It is a French coming-of-age comedy-drama film written and directed by French-Senegalese director Maïmouna Doucouré. The film won the Sundance Film Festival Award and is critically acclaimed! (emphasis on the critically). I should also mention the screenplay for Cuties won the Sundance Global Filmmaking Award back in 2017. The film is centered around 11 year-old Amy, a Senegalese-French pre-adolescent who is caught between her Senegalese culture and her life in France. She joins a group of young dancers who attend her school, after being bullied by them and trying to gain their approval. She introduces new, sexually explicit « dance moves » to the group after being influenced by music videos she sneaks around and watches on a phone she stole from her visiting cousin. This abrupt summary by no means does the movie justice. I just wanted to paint a quick picture of what the hell is going on here.

Now, a little bit about the director: Maïmouna Doucouré. As I mentioned above, she is a French-Senegalese film director and screenwriter living in France, where she was born in 1985. She had a successful experience with her film Maman(s), which premiered in 2015 and won Cesar Award in 2017. Cuties is her directional debut and let’s just say her name is becoming a household one. Her goals of female empowerment and embracing femininity are the underpinnings of her movies Maman(s) and Cuties. She delivered an emotional speech at the Sundance Film Festival upon winning, stating “ladies, just believe and we will become.”

Now, let’s take a look at the Netflix poster, right, that got everyone talking (which is different from the poster used in France, left).

When Netflix started advertising for the film, released on September 9th, people were up in arms about the “pedobait” aspects of the trailer and poster. Petitions started coming from every angle, demanding the film be taken down from Netflix. When the film finally aired, the uproar exacerbated. The film garnered anger, disgust, and concern – to the point where Doucouré started receiving death threats! Death threats are unacceptable and hyperbolic. That being said, this post isn’t as much about Sundance or the success this movie’s gotten as it is about the missed mark on this film.

When I was watching this film, my jaw was on the floor half the time. I am not a prude. If you’ve read up on my blog stories, you’ll see that I am very open-minded and progressive in many ways. But this film definitely has a shock factor that is bound to keep you interested. It’s a different type of interested though – it’s cringe-y. You want to keep watching but you feel UNCOMFORTABLE. It’s disturbing. It’s shocking. It’s flagrant! And I believe that’s exactly what Doucouré wanted us to feel throughout, to get us thinking.

I watched it a second time before writing this piece. I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss anything. And here’s what I really think.

I feel like the film fell short. There are so many other themes that this film touches on. Immigration. Polygamy. Living in the projects. The influence of the media on today’s youth. Parent-children relationships. Importance of communication. Peer pressure. Sex Education. Generational perspective. Intersectionality of all of those things for a pre-teen that is trying to figure themselves/life out! I could go on and on about all the themes this film touches on and that’s exactly my point in this article. We are not talking about all of those things. We’re caught up on just one theme: the hyper-sexualization of young girls. This is a very important topic and should 100% be discussed. But the conversation is so much more nuanced than current conversations are letting on and I fervently believe Doucouré wanted us to have a complex discussion about it, not just a one-layered conversation or finger pointing.

Doucouré has said that Cuties pulls from her own experiences as a young, Black immigrant in Paris – paralleling her journey to that of the film’s protagonist, Amy. During her Sundance speech, Doucouré describes how a man made a comment after seeing her film Maman(s), stating that he was shocked a woman produced that movie. Doucouré emphasizes that it is a woman’s very femininity that allows her to be so powerful. The coming-of-age experience Amy goes through in the film touches on the theme of femininity and how it is influenced by her surroundings and the media. With Amy’s case, we see just how detrimental social media can be to a young girl’s development and that’s what Doucouré wanted us to talk about (in my humble opinion).

With the sexual dance moves in close range, I personally think the film focused on the wrong things. It gave us too much at once and left us wondering. I don’t buy into the “this film encourages pedophiles” mantra because pedophiles are sick in the head and we cannot put the blame or responsibility on anybody else. They need to get help for the illness they are dealing with. Point blank. Unfortunately, it doesn’t help that American producer, writer, and director Sterling Van Wagenen, co-founder of Sundance, was convicted of child sexual abuse and sentenced to six years to life in prison in 2019. This just adds fuel to the fire and people are using it as ammo for the pedophile argument. But BUT, this film was not made for the viewing pleasures of pedophiles with a Netflix account. It was made to give us a reality check, a wake up call, to what is happening to young girls around the world. This movie is a warning call to all parents to check themselves on the following: (1) you can’t raise your kids the way you were raised. (Un)fortunately, times have changed so it’s time to adapt. And (2) communicating with your children is important, more than ever! You have to be a vital part of your children’s development because the outside sure it.

The sex trafficking of young girls a major concern worldwide. The hyper-sexualization of young girls is rampant. The negative influence of social media is a cause of concern for every parent, every big sister, every big brother. Because this film touched on those things, I would give it a 10/10 for intent. But because all people seem to talk about is the obscene dance moves, I am inclined to say the movie failed on execution. 4/10.